No Dumb Boys!

"Electric shocks? I love them! With you dozen a day. But after a while I wonder where's that love you promised me? How can you offer me love like that? My heart's burned. I'm exhausted, leave me alone.." - Björk (Possibly Maybe)

Basic guidelines on how not to be a dumb boy:*

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Dumb boy example:

Subject: hi..
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 14:44:47 -0800 (PST)
From: graciano ochoa <xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com>
To: me (via the email address only available on my yahoo profile)

hi,baby

Why this is dumb
I don't reply to anyone who just says hi, let alone, can't use caps and follows it with baby. I'm not a femmenazi but you will not get laid with that introduction. And if YOU say hi to ME first, don't get all pissy when I'm not miss talkative or don't ask you questions and try to get to know you better. I'm in no way obligated to talk to you, if you want to talk to me, you make the conversation. If I find you interesting or that we have something in common, I'll start asking back maybe. It's fine if you want to ask me questions, but again, don't get mad if I don't want to answer some of your questions, for example, what town I live in. This applies to both email and chat messages.

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My ideal mate (sorry position not available right now) : What I look for. First of all, desperation is not attractive, and unless you are looking to hook a seriously dominant lifestyle woman, have a spine. Don't apologize for everything you say, don't whine and complain and beg for compliments by saying how ugly/stupid/inadequite you are. Don't try to buy me, on the first date anyway, I am an independant woman capable of supporting myself and that will make me get out of there very fast. You can pay for dinner sometimes, and I will pay sometimes. I'm not a femminist, but if you never let me pay I will feel that you feel I am not capable of supporting myself and be insulted. I'm tired of this now so I'm going to shut up.

*note: while primarily females don't tend to be like this, (they have a whole other world of rotten things to do) it can apply to them. these are based on my personal experiences over several years and only involves males. No, this is not all because of you, don't let your head swell too much, it is years and years of let down from significant others. I think girls have a whole other set of stupid mean things they do, generally speaking, there are exceptions to every rule.

I've been burned plenty of times, I'm sure we all have been. Maybe after reading this someone will be that much less insensitive or something. Who knows.

I'm not a traditional girly-girl, but I'm still female and quite feminine, and I notice little things, and they mean a lot to me. I don't expect flowers every time he's late, but an apology (or even a call!) for severely fucking up plans might be nice sometimes.

Honesty is number one. Lying will fuck you over, she/he'll find out the truth eventually when you slip up or someone else rats on you, so you might as well just come clean to start with. Trust me, your conscience will thank me. Some people just can't handle commitment.. if that's the case talk to your sig other about it, maybe he/she will be ok with occasional sex only flings.

Chicks dig flowers. There's just no excuse to be together 6 months with a girl and never have bought her flowers. You had to have done something to piss her off by then and if not, it's just nice for no reason. No excuses... you can buy a lovely bouquet of them at any grocery store for $3 or even a single rose for about that. There's the argument that flowers are wasteful because you kill them. Still no excuse, buy her a potted flowering plant! It's also romantic to show up with a long stemmed single flower for a boy too.

You don't need to let your sig other know where you are 24/7, but if you know you'll be totally busy or out of reach for a week or so, at least say that you'll be unreachable. Especially if you had prior plans. (this seems to be a really tough one)

Let her know you care about her, love, like, lust, whatever it is, say so. Make her feel wanted and needed. Tell her how much you wish she was in your arms right now, or how glad you are that she is.

Don't even say you'll call if you won't, at least say you might call.

Call or e mail. If you actually are into someone, show it for christ's sake! Even a little e mail saying "Hi, miss you" is better then nothing for weeks on end.

If you can't handle commitments admit it, lots of people are into open relationships, as long as it's done honestly and the sex is safe it shouldn't be a big deal.

Don't go on endlessly how hot and big breasted that girl over there is. Hello??? Am I chopped liver? It's ok to point out the physical beauty of another being, but don't go on endlessly and please get your tongue off the floor. Complimenting your date/significant other/etc once in a while is pretty darn nice too. If you want to be with her/him then PROVE IT! If not, stop wasting everyone's time involved.

If a girl sees a guy working the room at a bar/club, forget it. If she notices him watching her specificially all night or for a long time, she'll feel he's attracted to her and not just what's between her legs. This doesn't mean a sure thing either, sometimes she is just not interested.

Don't molest your girlfriend's underaged sister. That is very disgusting and will always get you a dumb boy award and/or jailtime. (I have no sisters this one's not about me)

The man's guide to what a woman really wants when she says...
(Not written by me)

"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."

Why we secretly hate Men...

This was a forward sent to me

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
2. Your orgasms are real. Always
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't give a rat's ass if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. Same work... more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
And finally . . . . . .
27. One mood, all the time.

Other places to find out how to not be a dumb boy:

PsychoExGirlfriend.com - This is very funny, this guy's ex GF left him tons of stalker voicemails after the breakup and you can listen to them all here in mp3 format. Hours of entertainment.

Any of you girls Need a date?

Grrl.com dating - Head to the dating section for stories and great tips on how to date every type of boy including the goth boy, the raver, the hacker, the stoner, the punker, etc.

Dont's for Boys - There are a few I disagree with, but you can't go wrong if you learn these.

Laura's NYC Tales - This is a great site someone told me about, I checked it out and proves worthy. Make sure to read her boyfriend sagas page!

Hessian Love - for lack of a better spot to put this in, here's some examples of silly boys.

About.com: Dating Advice

Swoon - dating, mating , relating. Funny, but mature advice on dating, sex, horoscopes, sexscopes, dreams and some other crap.